When I was a young girl growing up in Australia, my world was very, very different. I had a ‘friendly’ old neighbour who would look after me whilst Mum went out. From the age of about 5 until I was 13 years old, I was being sexually abused by this man. Movies, doing homework, having lunch together and playing with him at his house always preceded the abuse and I would find myself continuing to go back for the attention I was seeking even though I knew what was happening was not right.
My own house never felt safe; there was always a way my neighbour could look into a window or even shine a torch into my bedroom at night time. He could peer through the boundary fence and watch me whilst I was in the kitchen/dining area. He could watch me play in my backyard pool. I always felt like he had eyes on me. Sometimes it felt quite invasive and creepy. I developed a feeling of wanting the attention which I now understand is how abuse works: the abuser gives attention that is missing elsewhere. It was something I ended up feeling I wanted; but really only wanting the attention, not the abuse. Later those feelings of ‘wanting it’ or craving the attention, led to feelings of guilt.
Something that may not be understood was how I engaged with the abuse. Once I started puberty, I didn’t see my neighbour as much. However the games still continued. From 13 years old until I was about 16 years old, we wrote letters to each other daily. I would pick up his letter from his letterbox and return a response the next day after school or after dinner. In the letters I sent him, I would disclose many personal details about my life: what was happening in my parents’ marriage and in my school life. During these years my parents had a terrible marriage– my father was having affairs and drinking a lot and my mother was an emotional wreck.
It became an addiction between us, but then it later became a burden for me, as I had too much schoolwork to commit to. I used him to offload my stresses and at the same time I manipulated him into believing that I needed him and that he had to do things for me. At the time I felt like I had him wrapped around my little finger yet at the same time I felt manipulated by him. The contract of abuse between us was more complicated than people like to understand.
If I were to describe the energy between us, it felt like we were owned by it and we both felt we ‘owed each other’.
If I forgot to respond to a letter or pick up one of his letters, he would react badly. His behaviours became erratic and very unsettling and I was always living with a level of anxiety that I felt I was responsible for how he was behaving. He would put loud music on in the middle of the night, or run a stick along the boundary fence; he once put super glue into our front gate, or he would sing songs loudly with a sarcastic message in them; he even verbally abused my parents when he could.
At this time I suffered a lot of severe nosebleeds before I began having periods. They were so intense that at one point I felt I would need medical help with them. Then, after my periods started the nosebleeds stopped. As an adult looking back I now understand that the nosebleeds were a way of clearing the pressure I was taking on in the family and in the responsibility I felt about protecting my family from the neighbour. I also now understand that when my periods started, they became the way I would clear what I was taking on. As a result of what was happening at that time my periods were extremely irregular and heavy.
Eventually the truth got revealed about the abuse and once the police were notified and my statements were taken, my neighbour was charged with 13 counts of indecent sexual assault, although it probably happened hundreds of times. It was a requirement of the police, that they had some kind of concrete evidence and it was through dated photographs that I could tie the abuse to specific dates. So the charges were based on the number of photographs I had from that time and that ended up determining the counts of abuse he was charged with. At the same time I was being prepared to present my case in the courtroom in front of a judge and a jury, I was 17 years old and doing my last year of high school. It was one of the hardest years of my life.
During this time, as a way to cope with what was going on, I got heavily involved with drugs and alcohol and my body started to show signs of stress:
- stomach ulcers
- heavy periods
- bad skin rashes
- nose bleeds
- nervous tension
- panic attacks
- the list goes on.
I tried everything from counselling, anti-depressants, medicine, alternative healings, psychic readings, Reiki healing, Chinese acupuncture, astrology, sun therapy, steroids for the skin, to Chinese herbs to help alleviate the symptoms I was experiencing.
I did not find any lasting relief through all these different methods.
At the age of 25, I was crying out for answers, still using alcohol and drugs and suffering all the severe symptoms of stomach ulcers, thrush, insomnia, heavy periods, bad skin rashes, eczema, asthma, nose bleeds, headaches, restlessness, nervous tension, panic attacks etc. I found Universal Medicine through a friend and this is when the true healing began for me. The first time I saw Serge Benhayon present, he gave a talk about sexual abuse and why it occurs and I remember crouching in my seat feeling like he was talking about me and my life in front of a large audience.
He was talking about how children crave being met by their parents and when they don’t get that attention, they look for it elsewhere, making them vulnerable to sexual abuse, often by people they know. Often the child will have a lot of turmoil at home (like I experienced with my parents). It was almost as if he was talking directly about my situation. What got me was how deeply he seemed to be able to read me. He spoke about how if parents aren’t really meeting their child, and the child is not being confirmed in how beautiful he or she is, the child will crave that attention. He explained that the child’s need to be met can be so great that it can be greater than the danger the child feels from the abuser, to the point where he or she will knowingly choose the abuse.
I recalled how I would insist on going to my neighbour’s house and tell my mother I didn’t want to come home. I remembered the first time my neighbour had abused me. Beforehand, he had shown me a pornographic magazine and even though I knew something wasn’t right, even at five, I had wanted his approval and so I had gone along with him. That is how strong the need to have his attention was. I remember the moment clearly that I had made the choice to let the abuse begin and to let it into my body. I could have run away, or screamed for my mum, but I didn’t: the need for attention trumped my fear and so the abuse began.
Now, for the first time in my life, I felt as if someone was reading the situation back to me clearly. Something I had already known. And with it came so much understanding. No other counsellor or psychologist I had seen had that understanding to that depth. What he was saying was me to a tee.
Other counsellors I had seen had drummed into me that I was a complete victim and that was the role I was given, without being truly asked about what my experiences were. It was as if they were saying life had just happened to me, without me having to take any responsibility, on any level for what had happened in my life. Life is rarely like that, at least it wasn’t for me.
How else would you explain that I would insist on visiting my abuser? When I said to counsellors that sometimes I found the abuse pleasurable, they were at a loss. Male victims of sexual abuse also experience this, but it is much less acknowledged in regards to girls. The contract of abuse I seemed to be in with my abuser was something counsellors were unable to understand and were not equipped with the skills with which to support me. Serge Benhayon’s presentation was life changing, nothing less.
Driving in the car to the presentation, before even hearing Serge speak, I had a strong feeling of the abuse being a part of my karma from a past life. There was a huge liberation in that. It wasn’t in a way of: ‘this is my karma. I deserved it, it was all my fault.’ It was a feeling of empowerment because I knew that while there were things to heal from my past and reasons I had experienced the abuse I had in my childhood, it was my choices now that would determine my future. Nothing is random.
My abuser will always be accountable for what he did and for the choices he made that led him to sexually abuse me. I am not to blame for what happened to me. But there is a big difference between blame and responsibility. For years I blamed my mother and my abuser for what had been done to me. It didn’t heal it. It was only when I started to take responsibility for where I could be more loving in my own way with myself and others that I started to feel a shift and feel empowered that I could say ‘no’ to abuse in my life.
From there the healing continued to unfold. In a session with an Esoteric Practitioner I released a huge package of sexual abuse energy and I felt the energetic configurations leaving my body. Then, after that at Sacred Esoteric Healing Level 2, while working on the imprints held in my body from childhood, at around the ages of 5 onwards, I had a feeling like acid coursing through me.
In the following years I continued to clear, particularly through my skin. I would wake up scratching from eczema. I did everything I needed to do medically and I also got support from Esoteric Healing to look at the energetic reasons behind the eczema. It was the old familiar poison continuing to clear. I started working with Natalie Benhayon regularly and the healing, on all levels, continued.
Through the help of Esoteric Healing, I have been able to clear the heavy energy of the sexual abuse out of my body and it’s been a huge learning process for me as to what the energy of abuse is and the many ways I have allowed it into my body. Abuse is just pure poison and I’m fortunate to have a body that clears that energy. In the most full on periods of dealing with the abuse, I would wake up to find I had scratched my skin till it bled. But not anymore.
My life today: I no longer drink alcohol or take drugs, my periods are lighter and no longer painful. I am eating a lot better, I have a gluten, dairy free and refined sugar free diet. I’m sleeping a lot better than I was and my skin is nowhere as bad as it used to be. I also have more meaningful relationships in my life with my family, my son, work colleagues and friends. Today my life is so different. I have no need to go out to bars or clubs to get drunk and wasted and seek attention by being reckless and naughty. I love being at home and having a simple life with my family.
These are the practical life aspects that have supported me to deal with the energetic aspects I had to heal from, but without an understanding of energy and of the beauty I truly am and come from, I couldn’t have integrated all these practical life changes. Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, provided the reflection that reminded me of why I am deeply worthy of being cherished and loved.
I could not imagine where I would be today if it weren’t for the true healing that came to me from Serge Benhayon and his work. I struggle to remember what my life was like. It feels like a distant memory to me, almost like a past life. Without the work of Serge Benhayon, my health and emotional state would be almost certainly chaotic and out of control. I would probably be still using alcohol and recreational drugs to help numb me and check me out of reality. I would probably be still into spiritual new age modalities that gave me no healing and no doubt would have kept me lost and disconnected to myself, my feelings and my body. I would be trying to manage my symptoms on the outside as best I could. I would still have that energy of abuse and poison running in my body every single day and there would be no stillness or harmony in my life. My eczema at times would weep so badly before Universal Medicine it was like acid coming out of my skin and I was on regular monthly courses of oral steroid tablets. That probably would still be happening.
The Yoga of Stillness that is taught by Serge Benhayon has been amazing. Today I no longer take any oral steroids and I know the feeling of stillness and warmth in my body. Seven years ago, I would not have had a clue what stillness felt like. I have been able to feel and connect to my body and I’ve been able to feel the choices I have made. I have been able to take note of where my body is at truly. I no longer live on stimulants such as coffee or chocolate or alcohol. My diet is constantly evolving.
Serge has taught me that being nice is not being true to myself. He wrote to me in an email, “Live and work simply until you get to know you and don’t put yourself or your body into any relationship that you are not absolute about.” Serge’s wisdom is profound and when applied properly, in full, the results are life changing. I will be appreciative forever of who Serge is and what he represents.