Healing Readings

From Abuse to Love

June 24, 2016

When I was a young girl growing up in Australia, my world was very, very different. I had a ‘friendly’ old neighbour who would look after me whilst Mum went out. From the age of about 5 until I was 13 years old, I was being sexually abused by this man. Movies, doing homework, having lunch together and playing with him at his house always preceded the abuse and I would find myself continuing to go back for the attention I was seeking even though I knew what was happening was not right.

My own house never felt safe; there was always a way my neighbour could look into a window or even shine a torch into my bedroom at night time. He could peer through the boundary fence and watch me whilst I was in the kitchen/dining area. He could watch me play in my backyard pool. I always felt like he had eyes on me. Sometimes it felt quite invasive and creepy. I developed a feeling of wanting the attention which I now understand is how abuse works: the abuser gives attention that is missing elsewhere. It was something I ended up feeling I wanted; but really only wanting the attention, not the abuse. Later those feelings of ‘wanting it’ or craving the attention, led to feelings of guilt.

Something that may not be understood was how I engaged with the abuse. Once I started puberty, I didn’t see my neighbour as much. However the games still continued. From 13 years old until I was about 16 years old, we wrote letters to each other daily. I would pick up his letter from his letterbox and return a response the next day after school or after dinner. In the letters I sent him, I would disclose many personal details about my life: what was happening in my parents’ marriage and in my school life. During these years my parents had a terrible marriage– my father was having affairs and drinking a lot and my mother was an emotional wreck.

It became an addiction between us, but then it later became a burden for me, as I had too much schoolwork to commit to. I used him to offload my stresses and at the same time I manipulated him into believing that I needed him and that he had to do things for me. At the time I felt like I had him wrapped around my little finger yet at the same time I felt manipulated by him. The contract of abuse between us was more complicated than people like to understand.

If I were to describe the energy between us, it felt like we were owned by it and we both felt we ‘owed each other’.

If I forgot to respond to a letter or pick up one of his letters, he would react badly. His behaviours became  erratic and very unsettling and I was always living with a level of anxiety that I felt I was responsible for how he was behaving. He would put loud music on in the middle of the night, or run a stick along the boundary fence; he once put super glue into our front gate, or he would sing songs loudly with a sarcastic message in them; he even verbally abused my parents when he could.

At this time I suffered a lot of severe nosebleeds before I began having periods. They were so intense that at one point I felt I would need medical help with them. Then, after my periods started the nosebleeds stopped. As an adult looking back I now understand that the nosebleeds were a way of clearing the pressure I was taking on in the family and in the responsibility I felt about protecting my family from the neighbour. I also now understand that when my periods started, they became the way I would clear what I was taking on. As a result of what was happening at that time my periods were extremely irregular and heavy.

Eventually the truth got revealed about the abuse and once the police were notified and my statements were taken, my neighbour was charged with 13 counts of indecent sexual assault, although it probably happened hundreds of times. It was a requirement of the police, that they had some kind of concrete evidence and it was through dated photographs that I could tie the abuse to specific dates. So the charges were based on the number of photographs I had from that time and that ended up determining the counts of abuse he was charged with. At the same time I was being prepared to present my case in the courtroom in front of a judge and a jury, I was 17 years old and doing my last year of high school. It was one of the hardest years of my life.

During this time, as a way to cope with what was going on, I got heavily involved with drugs and alcohol and my body started to show signs of stress:

  • stomach ulcers
  • thrush
  • insomnia
  • heavy periods
  • bad skin rashes
  • eczema
  • asthma
  • nose bleeds
  • headaches
  • restlessness
  • nervous tension
  • panic attacks
  • the list goes on.

I tried everything from counselling, anti-depressants, medicine, alternative healings, psychic readings, Reiki healing, Chinese acupuncture, astrology, sun therapy, steroids for the skin, to Chinese herbs to help alleviate the symptoms I was experiencing.

I did not find any lasting relief through all these different methods.

At the age of 25, I was crying out for answers, still using alcohol and drugs and suffering all the severe symptoms of stomach ulcers, thrush, insomnia, heavy periods, bad skin rashes, eczema, asthma, nose bleeds, headaches, restlessness, nervous tension, panic attacks etc. I found Universal Medicine through a friend and this is when the true healing began for me. The first time I saw Serge Benhayon present, he gave a talk about sexual abuse and why it occurs and I remember crouching in my seat feeling like he was talking about me and my life in front of a large audience.

He was talking about how children crave being met by their parents and when they don’t get that attention, they look for it elsewhere, making them vulnerable to sexual abuse, often by people they know. Often the child will have a lot of turmoil at home (like I experienced with my parents). It was almost as if he was talking directly about my situation. What got me was how deeply he seemed to be able to read me. He spoke about how if parents aren’t really meeting their child, and the child is not being confirmed in how beautiful he or she is, the child will crave that attention. He explained that the child’s need to be met can be so great that it can be greater than the danger the child feels from the abuser, to the point where he or she will knowingly choose the abuse.

I recalled how I would insist on going to my neighbour’s house and tell my mother I didn’t want to come home. I remembered the first time my neighbour had abused me. Beforehand, he had shown me a pornographic magazine and even though I knew something wasn’t right, even at five, I had wanted his approval and so I had gone along with him. That is how strong the need to have his attention was. I remember the moment clearly that I had made the choice to let the abuse begin and to let it into my body. I could have run away, or screamed for my mum, but I didn’t: the need for attention trumped my fear and so the abuse began.

 

Now, for the first time in my life, I felt as if someone was reading the situation back to me clearly. Something I had already known. And with it came so much understanding. No other counsellor or psychologist I had seen had that understanding to that depth. What he was saying was me to a tee.

Other counsellors I had seen had drummed into me that I was a complete victim and that was the role I was given, without being truly asked about what my experiences were. It was as if they were saying life had just happened to me, without me having to take any responsibility, on any level for what had happened in my life. Life is rarely like that, at least it wasn’t for me.

How else would you explain that I would insist on visiting my abuser? When I said to counsellors that sometimes I found the abuse pleasurable, they were at a loss. Male victims of sexual abuse also experience this, but it is much less acknowledged in regards to girls. The contract of abuse I seemed to be in with my abuser was something counsellors were unable to understand and were not equipped with the skills with which to support me. Serge Benhayon’s presentation was life changing, nothing less.

Driving in the car to the presentation, before even hearing Serge speak, I had a strong feeling of the abuse being a part of my karma from a past life. There was a huge liberation in that. It wasn’t in a way of: ‘this is my karma. I deserved it, it was all my fault.’ It was a feeling of empowerment because I knew that while there were things to heal from my past and reasons I had experienced the abuse I had in my childhood, it was my choices now that would determine my future. Nothing is random.

My abuser will always be accountable for what he did and for the choices he made that led him to sexually abuse me. I am not to blame for what happened to me. But there is a big difference between blame and responsibility. For years I blamed my mother and my abuser for what had been done to me. It didn’t heal it. It was only when I started to take responsibility for where I could be more loving in my own way with myself and others that I started to feel a shift and feel empowered that I could say ‘no’ to abuse in my life.

From there the healing continued to unfold. In a session with an Esoteric Practitioner I released a huge package of sexual abuse energy and I felt the energetic configurations leaving my body. Then, after that at Sacred Esoteric Healing Level 2, while working on the imprints held in my body from childhood, at around the ages of 5 onwards, I had a feeling like acid coursing through me.

In the following years I continued to clear, particularly through my skin. I would wake up scratching from eczema. I did everything I needed to do medically and I also got support from Esoteric Healing to look at the energetic reasons behind the eczema. It was the old familiar poison continuing to clear. I started working with Natalie Benhayon regularly and the healing, on all levels, continued.

Through the help of Esoteric Healing, I have been able to clear the heavy energy of the sexual abuse out of my body and it’s been a huge learning process for me as to what the energy of abuse is and the many ways I have allowed it into my body. Abuse is just pure poison and I’m fortunate to have a body that clears that energy. In the most full on periods of dealing with the abuse, I would wake up to find I had scratched my skin till it bled. But not anymore.

My life today: I no longer drink alcohol or take drugs, my periods are lighter and no longer painful. I am eating a lot better, I have a gluten, dairy free and refined sugar free diet. I’m sleeping a lot better than I was and my skin is nowhere as bad as it used to be. I also have more meaningful relationships in my life with my family, my son, work colleagues and friends. Today my life is so different. I have no need to go out to bars or clubs to get drunk and wasted and seek attention by being reckless and naughty. I love being at home and having a simple life with my family.

These are the practical life aspects that have supported me to deal with the energetic aspects I had to heal from, but without an understanding of energy and of the beauty I truly am and come from, I couldn’t have integrated all these practical life changes. Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, provided the reflection that reminded me of why I am deeply worthy of being cherished and loved.

I could not imagine where I would be today if it weren’t for the true healing that came to me from Serge Benhayon and his work. I struggle to remember what my life was like. It feels like a distant memory to me, almost like a past life. Without the work of Serge Benhayon, my health and emotional state would be almost certainly chaotic and out of control. I would probably be still using alcohol and recreational drugs to help numb me and check me out of reality. I would probably be still into spiritual new age modalities that gave me no healing and no doubt would have kept me lost and disconnected to myself, my feelings and my body. I would be trying to manage my symptoms on the outside as best I could. I would still have that energy of abuse and poison running in my body every single day and there would be no stillness or harmony in my life. My eczema at times would weep so badly before Universal Medicine it was like acid coming out of my skin and I was on regular monthly courses of oral steroid tablets. That probably would still be happening.

The Yoga of Stillness that is taught by Serge Benhayon has been amazing. Today I no longer take any oral steroids and I know the feeling of stillness and warmth in my body. Seven years ago, I would not have had a clue what stillness felt like. I have been able to feel and connect to my body and I’ve been able to feel the choices I have made. I have been able to take note of where my body is at truly. I no longer live on stimulants such as coffee or chocolate or alcohol. My diet is constantly evolving.

Serge has taught me that being nice is not being true to myself. He wrote to me in an email, “Live and work simply until you get to know you and don’t put yourself or your body into any relationship that you are not absolute about.” Serge’s wisdom is profound and when applied properly, in full, the results are life changing. I will be appreciative forever of who Serge is and what he represents

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89 Comments

  • Reply adam warburton July 3, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    Incredible story, profoundly shared, and one that obviously took much courage to write – and one perhaps society is not yet ready to hear – that we have a part to play in what happens to us. Serge Benhayon has often taught reincarnation and karma, as a teaching of responsibility, and certainly not judgement or condemnation. You are not punished for your actions from past lives. You experience them as a momentum of past choices, thereby giving you the opportunity to experience harms you once incurred upon another. Now you can argue that this explanation of life is not true, but you cannot argue that the philisophical teaching is harmful or based on judgement. It is a rather loving way to consider life, rather empowering for the “victim”, and it is a way of looking at life that truly makes sense of all that goes on, much more so than the disempowering observation that life is just all a random event. This is the true explanation of reincarnation and karma as presented by Serge Benhayon. It is a law of love and rebalance, not condemnation.

    • Reply Golnaz Shariatzadeh June 13, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      The choice to observe life and everything that is going on, to allow an unfolding understanding of the dynamics that brought it all about without dramatising, sensationalising or blame, to consider my part in it through my previous choice of thoughts, actions or inactions, as well as the awareness that within me I always have the power of turning round whatever life is showing me, are all the most sobering and empowering way of facing life. The fact that the teachings of reincarnation and karma taught by Serge Benhayon support and deepen such understanding, empowerment and responsibility is truly worth celebrating.

  • Reply Felicity Latchford July 3, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    I agree Adam, much courage needed to write in this level of detail about the abuse this woman suffered as a child. I too feel the true liberation of watching a woman come to terms with her past and how she dealt with it- and how she now feels free of its stain. An amazing woman….

    I love looking at karma as a law of rebalance, not as a punishment…. it’s incredibly important to understand there is love in everything, even if it doesn’t look like it. It certainly doesn’t make her suffering less awful, it simply makes it something she can understand.

  • Reply Helen Simkins July 3, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    The fact that this account is written without either a sense of shame or recrimination is a testament in itself. To read about the complex nature of abusive arrangements is , whilst no light read, incredibly revealing, Thank you for the willingness to expose every facet of your experience for us to better understand.

    • Reply Alison Valentine August 25, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      It is true Helen there is no shame or recrimination in what has been written here, and shows that if we understand abuse fully we can no longer remain the victim and blame others.

  • Reply Susan Wilson July 4, 2016 at 4:48 am

    Your article gives a personal experience and meaning to the how and why of abuse and also how to heal it instead of being perpetually in it. By seeing the truth of abuse commonsense prevails and humanity can heal this worldwide problem that is at the heart of disharmony.

  • Reply Beverley Croft July 4, 2016 at 6:04 am

    I love how you expressed that Felicity, yes, the ‘law of rebalance’, rather than a punishment, that really makes sense to me. We know God is love, and does not judge, so he does not punish. But there are universal laws designed to bring us back to who we originally were, true Sons of God, and we need to rebalance ourselves by dealing with all the karma that we have accumulated over our many lives, so we can clear our bodies for the next step in our evolution.

  • Reply Bernadette Curtin July 4, 2016 at 8:57 am

    You have written a ground-breaking account of abuse Anonymous, that brings a depth of understanding that is very powerful and beautiful. Your account speaks volumes about the responsibility of parenting, the need of every child to be met and loved, the manifestation of physical symptoms as a result of emotional and physical trauma, the karma of abuse and the healing work of Serge Benhayon. This depth of understanding about the true causes of illness and disease is still in its infancy, but your sharing sheds much needed light on a difficult subject. Thank you.

  • Reply Nicole Twist July 4, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    The depth of understanding you have come to from your healing process is profound. Thank you for sharing such powerful insight into abuse.

  • Reply Mary-Lou Reed July 4, 2016 at 10:37 pm

    Your story of your experiences gives a depth to understanding why we continue to choose abuse. Also to how true healing actually clears the abuse from the body and how this is necessary to be able to let go and move on. We cannot just clear it in our heads. I love the way that Serge was presenting exactly the healing you needed when you first attended. Thank you for sharing what humanity needs to hear and know that there is another way.

  • Reply Karin Becker July 5, 2016 at 7:06 am

    Thank you very much for this amazingly honest article. It provided a depth of understanding of the dynamics between abusers and abused which I have never been able to find anywhere else. From personal experience, I know how touching the presence of Serge Benhayon feels in my own body every time I meet him. It is as if in myself a door opens to a dimension of myself I had long forgotten. It is an experience of being supported to re-connect to Heaven and to the whole Universe and in that having a clear sense of being part of something so much bigger than the temporal world is wanting us to know about. Nowadays my life has a totally different foundation knowing that I am part of the All, that God exists and that everyone of us can come back to this deep knowingness within our own bodies.

  • Reply Peta Lehane July 7, 2016 at 9:36 am

    A truly powerful and rebalancing sharing about the relationship we all have with abuse. You have so openly exposed the dynamic many are not willing to feel or see…that there is a vested interest in maintaining the abuse. This doesn’t diminish in any way the absolute horrific effects or indeed, excuse what has taken place, rather in fact it makes the abuse more understandable. Only through a willingness to understand abuse, abusers and their ‘victims’ do we cease the perpetuation of it and begin to truly heal. Thank you Anonymous, for sharing so intimately without any shame or sense of recrimination.

  • Reply Leigh Matson July 7, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    This is huge, as in world shaking huge, in regards to changing the complete thinking process around abuse. Reading this blog has supported me with a greater insight into why and how we allow abuse in our lives. As Serge Benhayon has presented over the years, we have our bodies to support us in understanding our choices rather than using the mind to judge our choices, judgement that only fuels more ill, whereas understanding our choices allows us to feel them, let them pass and move on. Thank you.

  • Reply Jennifer Greenham July 8, 2016 at 5:05 am

    You have offered me a deeper and more profound understanding around the dynamics of abuse in your honest reflection of how it was for you. It is yet another powerful testament to the modalities of Universal Medicine that you found a pathway to healing, where other things on offer were not able to address so completely your situation nor offer a true way forward to healing.

  • Reply Anne Hishon July 12, 2016 at 2:27 am

    I appreciate the courage it must have taken to write your story, explaining the complexity and dynamics of child hood abuse. Of equal importance is your journey back to yourself and the healing you have been opened to and are now living in your body. Your story is both horrific, amazing and very humbling to read. Thank you.

  • Reply Luke Yokota July 14, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    An outstanding blog touching on the many taboos in society.

    There is more than meets the eye.

  • Reply Suzanne Anderssen July 17, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    To read the depth of healing here expressed through meeting Serge Benhayon and equally realise their own part to play, or responsibility to take is head shakingly powerful. Many people who have experienced sexual abuse are told, like you were, that they are pure victims. It’s not a blame game, but as everything is because of energy (as Serge presents), nothing can ever be seen as random, dumb luck ever again. It is very beautiful to feel empowered in life, no matter what has happened to you, and Serge seems to do this for everyone, no matter their story.

  • Reply Victoria Warburton July 18, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    I have never before read words from someone who has experienced such entanglements, that contain such clarity and deep acceptance. Thank-you for sharing this story of a life transformed at its very core – a restoration of love, known to the bone, and inspired by the love of a great man.

  • Reply Christine Hogan July 21, 2016 at 7:13 am

    Thank you for the clarity you have brought to a life deeply driven and charged by what was going on around you and within you. Your insight and understanding of what true responsibility is, holds such clarity. I deeply appreciate the much bigger picture you have shared with us all understanding karma and its loving recipe of healing that is possible. The light and expansion you have brought to my world is deeply appreciated and I too, absolutely endorse the love and truth Serge Benhayon brings to us all no matter what experiences we have had or choices we have made.

  • Reply Annie July 23, 2016 at 3:57 am

    It is an incredible story, not just for the details and events, but how this has been shared from total empowerment and self-responsibility. No blame, just total acceptance of choices and their outcomes. Thank you for delivering this with absolute transparency.
    ‘From abuse to love’… it will be difficult to find another story like this. May it inspire those who are ready to heal. We have been taught that there is a victim and a perpetrator. But this understanding does not allow for true healing and empowerment.

  • Reply Deborah Hansen July 24, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    True healing, feeling the responsibility and not playing the victim is beautiful to feel and gives me a much deeper understanding to support others too. I also love how you found true healing though the work of Serge Benhayon. Thank you for sharing such an incredible story.

  • Reply Leigh Strack July 28, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    The support that this article holds for those who have or are experiencing abuse is true, real and full of deep understanding. It is the understanding of why we choose what we do that gives us the freedom to change those choices.

  • Reply Susan Green August 2, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Incredible insight into abuse and why and how it happens, thank you, it has given me a greater understanding.

  • Reply Katerina Nikolaidis August 3, 2016 at 8:07 am

    This is such a powerful story — not an ounce of victimhoood, shame or blame but immense understanding as to what fuels the abuser and the abused. A huge testament to what Serge Benhayon offers to humanity — the depth of healing that is available is beyond measure.

  • Reply Aimee Edmonds August 7, 2016 at 6:37 am

    What a powerfully revealing sharing on what is behind sexual abuse. This as you have experienced Anonymous turns the well-intentioned support and healing of sexual abuse on its head. I’m sure that there will be many that read this incredibly empowering and honest blog, change their whole view on what true healing is and have a deeper and spherical understanding of what is going on underneath the outer abuse.

  • Reply Sarah August 7, 2016 at 8:34 am

    This is possibly one of the most controversial and groundbreaking blogs I have ever read. I have been in many abusive relationships. I have been raped, sexually abused and put myself in many dangerous an abusive situations over the years. I have chosen to endlessly stay in toxic relationships or lust after those who sexually abused and used me.
    I totally relate to not being a victim in all that occurred. The people that abused me were very damaged themselves and I do not excuse their behaviour for a second, but I cannot pretend I had nothing to do with it. There was a choice, I was looking for attention, in fact I was desperate for it, I was willing to accept it in any form it would come, like a life line. Thank you so much for being brave enough to address such a challenging issue, it is so needed to discuss these things in a public forum, it is very profound and I for one relate deeply to it.

  • Reply Julie Goodhart August 10, 2016 at 9:36 am

    I love what is said here, that there is a difference between blame (which is a judgment of someone or something falling short of our expectations) and responsibility (which is a loving choice to accept our imperfections and learn from them). How often have we each heard – or said – something along the lines of ‘this is your fault; you are responsible for …’? Is it any wonder that the word ‘responsibility’ has come to have such a negative connotation?

  • Reply Andrew Mooney August 25, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    What an amazing story of healing and a revelation and revolution in how we understand abuse. Thank you anonymous for sharing your story with us all. There is a difference between blame and responsibility. When we blame the world or others for our problems or our situations, then we are choosing to not be aware of our part in events.

  • Reply Ray Karam September 17, 2016 at 5:15 am

    A great account and by no means a heavy read, considering what was being spoken about. To most this is life changing alone. This blog shows that no matter the heading given, ‘we’ collectively always hold a part and in healing or becoming more aware of that part we are able to release these types of situations. The current counselling route is to have virtually two sides, victim and perpetrator. When you start speaking you are bundled into a category and given answers based on this. Like everything we need to support the person, truly support them and giving people answers without allowing them to get to there themselves will have them coming back every time. Serge Benhayon gives it back to people as it has been described here, he brings people to more awareness so they can choose how to walk out of any situation. He doesn’t leave their side, ever but consistently offers them a choice and confirms to them who they truly are. This turns most things on it’s head and as written here, when you walk the steps yourself with support you walk out, when you are told how to get out and what you should be doing you walk back in.

  • Reply Viktoria September 29, 2016 at 5:23 am

    I love the deep honesty in this blog. It’s amazing that you were able to see how the energy chosen lead to this terrible incident. This piece serves such healing to humanity, it’s beyond me!

  • Reply Nikki McKee September 30, 2016 at 5:42 am

    What a powerful story of responsibility. Responsibility and love are what can heal us at the core.

  • Reply Gabriele Conrad October 1, 2016 at 6:53 am

    It is my experience that only when we take responsibility can we move on and take command of our life again. And this is where a lot of support mechanisms fall short of the mark because they either concentrate on confirming the client in their victimhood or on persecuting the perpetrator. What is left out is the deeper understanding and the true healing that is available and very possible. The question is: are we ready for this level of responsibility? And are we ready for this level of freedom and ease in our lives?

  • Reply Jo Elmer October 8, 2016 at 3:36 am

    This account of sexual abuse is an incredible offering.

    I am stunned by the compassionate understanding offered by the author. The honesty and deep understanding she gained through presentations by Serge and working with Esoteric Practitioners brings a clear perspective on the entire dynamic from the start of the abuse through the healing of it and is by far the most profoundly enlightening experience I have come across on the subject.

    A powerfully healing account for anyone truly wanting to understand and heal from this kind of abuse for ages to come.

    Interestingly I too had the nose bleeds which stopped when I got my period and I too carried a burden of feeling responsible for taking care of and protecting my parents and I also had heavy and painful periods which I now know were releasing and clearing me of the pressure and toxicity I had taken on.

  • Reply Vicky Cooke October 11, 2016 at 6:28 am

    In what you have written there is no judgement, blame, anger, resentment or any other myriad of emotions. Instead I can feel a lightness and clarity, you feel whole. This is quite something from the abuse that you received to how you are now. Many people that have had this level of abuse as a child (or at any time in their life) tend to have many problems later in the form of mental health, emotional, physical, relationships etc. It is hard to read or hear how a child or anyone could on some level like this but I understand it is not the abuse but the attention that was craved. Which brings massively to focus then just how important our relationships and true connection is with each other and for this to continuously evolve and deepen. For parents, guardians or careers to truly meet, adore and cherish children and young people. Sometimes I feel the enormity of all the abuse that has gone on and does go on in the world, it can be overwhelming but we can turn this around, it can change and can be healed and you are a testimony to this. As is also how the Sacred Esoteric Healing modalities in truly supporting the body to clear what has been held onto that isn’t supportive or isn’t love. Thank you for writing this.

  • Reply Kerstin Salzer October 13, 2016 at 1:53 pm

    This is a story of an abuse, which I feel, more people experience than we know. It is so important to know that there is another way… Even if we have played ball with certain energies in our childhood, there is a way out by taking responsibility for our choices.

  • Reply Sarah Flenley October 14, 2016 at 7:10 am

    A deeply profound and groundbreaking piece of writing. I was mesmerised by your story and by how you told it – it moved me to tears.

    I walked past yesterday, on my way to work, a group of individual who were very drunk and I felt their deep sadness of living that way because it is not who they truly are. I could see that they were trapped in whatever had happened to them, and in a perpetuating cycle that keeps them there. And even if they were receiving help (or even wanted it), I know that a lot of this help – despite its best intentions – does not truly get to the heart of what is going on.

    That is what Serge Benhayon does. He gets to the heart of what is going on. And when he does that, he does it in such a way – with no blame, guilt, judgement or harshness – that you are then free to see the heart of it too, and your part in it, and then heal it from there. It is most incredible and your blog is a testament to that. He allowed you to see what you already knew, and with no judgement, you can take responsibility for your part, and heal the imprints/energetic footprint that is held in your body.

  • Reply Stephanie Stevenson October 25, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Anonymous – a heartfelt thank you for this powerful and candid blog exposing the complex layers there are in abusive situations. Bringing understanding and responsibility to your own part in it, has been key to the depth of true healing you have experienced. I feel neither blame nor being a victim in your writing and many will benefit from this blog.
    “I could have run away, or screamed for my mum, but I didn’t: the need for attention trumped my fear and so the abuse began”.

    I absolutely agree with you Anonymous about The Yoga of Stillness – a modality that has supported me to have a far greater awareness of my body and the innate stillness within. Over time, there has been a re-building of a solid and strong inner foundation which is a far cry from the constant up and down cycle I lived with before. “The Yoga of Stillness that is taught by Serge Benhayon has been amazing”.

    I felt drawn to read this blog through several times and just feel the impact on my body. There have been several ‘ah ha moments’ which have brought a deeper understanding the need for recognition and attention from others when we feel so separated from significant others in our life and how this then runs us to find ways to ease the tension. Worth reading again with the sense of healing that is felt in my own body.

  • Reply Sandra Newland October 28, 2016 at 5:31 am

    Anonymous your blog shows how it is possible to heal from the most horrendous experiences, for in fact our innermost being can never be abused and though the body suffers, once we reconnect to ourselves, we can let go of the energy that caused the experience in the first place because we know it is not who we are.

    Your term ‘the contract of abuse’ shows the truth of the situation. We may feel we are a victim but at some level we play a part in it and have attracted the situation to us. Once we let go of blame and bring understanding to the situation we can see our part and take responsibility for it and then we can start to let go of what attracted that situation to us, which may even be an old pattern of lifetimes of abusing others. That doesn’t mean we excuse the perpetrator who needs to be called to account and that also frees us.

    “It was only when I started to take responsibility for where I could be more loving in my own way with myself and others that I started to feel a shift and feel empowered that I could say ‘no’ to abuse in my life.” Once we feel love in our bodies anything that is not love shows up very clearly and we no longer fall for the trap of needing the attention that we get from abuse because we feel deeply nurtured and loved and are no longer dependent on getting it from the outside.

  • Reply Christine Hogan November 2, 2016 at 6:17 am

    “Live and work simply until you get to know you and don’t put yourself or your body into any relationship that you are not absolute about.” – Many relationships are began because we feel we have meet our other half, the one that we felt loved and held by, meets our needs or who makes us complete. The invitation to get to know ourselves first and to not go into any relationships until this is absolutely clear is profound in its simple wisdom. The healing that has taken place in this blog and the honesty and responsibility you have lived Anonymous is inspirational but also life giving for all who read it. Thank you for sharing.

  • Reply Leigh Matson November 5, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    This blog is an amazing example of how healing responsibly can be. It completely breaks down any blaming or victim mentality. One that is very relatable, while not to such a degree as you’ve shared have experienced abusive relationships that have only and do only change when I claim my choices to be in the abuse and to allow it to continue.

    When such sensitive subjects are approached from an honesty and openness it makes looking at abuse not so scary I feel, that it’s safe to go into such conversations as it need not be a blaming session or victimhood. All our situations in life can be understood and when approached as you’ve shared here there is a space for greater understanding, Thank you.

  • Reply Kerstin Salzer November 9, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    What struck me about your article was the honesty in which you shared what has happened to you, as well as what your responsibility in it was. My question is how often are we honest about abuse and our part in it? Especially sexual abuse, it often stays under the carpet and is not talked about publicly and when it is, it is done in a dramatic and often accusing way. If we consider the whole and become truly honest, abuse has not anymore the chance to impose its force on us.

  • Reply Cherise Holt November 11, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    I found your blog incredibly touching to read, what I experienced to be profound was how I felt in my own body with no sense of sympathy or blame for anyone involved. This is revelatory in the world today, considering this experience is about abuse. Thank you for sharing your experience with us all, you have certainly supported me to further understand abuse and the empowerment of self-responsibility.

  • Reply Monica Gillooly November 23, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    This is such an amazingly honest and courageous article, thank you for writing it. I have not truly understood the complexity of an abusive relationship until reading this, and how you describe it is so clear and it also offers a path away from abuse to anyone who has been abused; if we just make the abused a victim we rob them of all possibility to heal, and we rob them of their power and choice; this is not in any way to let the abuser off the hook, they are and should be held to account for any abuse they do, but the broader understanding of the whole context of abuse offered here is what is missing in our approach to tackling abuse. Giving those who have been abused the understanding of their part and that there is no blame but just responsibility, this changes everything; they are empowered to make choices and not seen as robbed to choice (to do so actually perpetuates the abuse). Your courage in being willing to go there and unpick all your behaviours and allow your body to heal is inspiring beyond measure and as others noted I love that you share this without any shame or condemnation of yourself and with that I can feel you have absolutely healed the abuse. You are a role model for all of us in this, that no matter where we are or how we’ve been we can heal, we have a part to play and it is our choice.

  • Reply Elizabeth Dolan November 26, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    What is presented here about abuse far surpasses any current sociological and psychological understanding of abuse. As a society we need to understand what happens when our parents do not connect with us when we are young. It affects us in the most profound ways and certainly shows us the importance of true connection.

  • Reply Mary-Louise Myers November 30, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    This is a ground breaking blog which exposes that there is neither a victim nor a perpetrator, that both parties have a responsibility in how the abuse plays out.

  • Reply Jonathan Stewart December 10, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    This is a truly remarkable account of abuse. Thank you Anonymous, so much for sharing. You bring profound insight to the underlying cause of abuse when you write, “the child’s need to be met can be so great that it can be greater than the danger the child feels from the abuser, to the point where he or she will knowingly choose the abuse.”

    Thank you for such an open and frank sharing of your experience. You bring great insight to a complex scenario that, as you share, is not generally understood or appreciated and by doing so you help not only other abused people but also most importantly those in positions of support.

    This is also another testament to the depth of wisdom, love and understanding that Serge Benhayon brings to humanity.

  • Reply julie Matson December 10, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    This blog totally takes the legs from under the victim way of thinking, and goes against all types of counselling currently on offer. Had the presentations by Serge Benhayon not been true for you Anonymous, you would have been out of there like a shot but instead you could feel the truth as though he was speaking directly about your situation – this is a common experience whilst listening to Serge.

  • Reply Tricia Nicholson December 11, 2016 at 5:48 am

    This is a very honest and informative sharing of abuse and the true depth and understanding from it that is unheard of before, but with the love of Serge Benhayon and his depth of understanding and wisdom all is explained, understood and allows true healing to occur. An amazing insight of our responsibility for our own lives and the depth of love we all are and thus when we are not met with this love are searching for.

  • Reply Rowena Stewart December 12, 2016 at 4:59 pm

    Thank you Anonymous, you have cracked open the most mis-understood of behaviour through your very honest sharing here. Why do we keep going back and keep subjecting ourselves, seemingly willing so, to abuse when we know in our bodies that it is not the love we are truly seeking? What is very impressive here is that this is not about blaming anyone, but it is about exposing the consequences of our behaviours and choices, the quality of parenting and the quality of relationships we settle for as a result and the show stopping, life changing awareness and understandings that Serge Benhayon delivers. Serge’s candid presentations exposes the fact that we are never victim to anything, we simply make choices based on a lack of love and appreciation and his truth and honesty changes people’s lives forever. This immense understanding and awareness has empowered many people, you and me included to heal deep scars that otherwise felt irreparable and have restored our sense of self worth beyond measure, re-connected us to our purpose and responsibility and given us back the tools to truly address behaviours that in the past were beyond our comprehension.

  • Reply Sarah Flenley December 19, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Came back to your blog today and what really stood out for me is the line about blame and responsibility, and a light bulb went on. Of course you cannot be blamed for what went on, but you can take responsibility (which you so gracefully, courageously and honestly did) for your part in it. I saw that blame (be in upon yourself or on others) keeps us trapped in the cycle, but responsibility sets us free.

  • Reply Golnaz Shariatzadeh January 2, 2017 at 7:32 am

    Thank you deeply for the openness with which you have shared your experiences, your healing and your insights, offering all of us the opportunity to deepen our understanding and awareness of the dynamics involved in abuse. How awful to be in a situation where there is no clarity or light shed on what you have experienced and even the counselors simply drummed into you that you were a victim. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine modalities that provide immense support for expanding our awareness of a bigger picture, that help build an understanding of the various factors at play including our own part, and that inspire us to deepen our appreciation, love and care of ourself. I have personally found this invaluable and it is wonderful reading how this has helped you heal the memory of abuse and its impact in your body.

  • Reply Gabriele Conrad January 20, 2017 at 10:16 am

    This is a very honest and courageous contribution, thank you for shedding such a clear light on sexual abuse. You write about “the contract of abuse”, and that is revolutionary when it comes to truly understanding the relationship between the ‘victim’ and the ‘perpetrator’. And it opens up the way to true healing rather than just managing or relieving the trauma, as welcome as that initially is, of course. The way you relate your story made it clear to me that both sides, the ‘victim’ and the ‘perpetrator’ are in truth victims of the lovelessness that we have all allowed to infect us and freely fester.

  • Reply Mary Adler February 1, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    “Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, provided the reflection that reminded me of why I am deeply worthy of being cherished and loved.” Clearing the poison of abuse from our body, whatever shape it comes in, is to live the love that we truly are.

  • Reply Joe Minnici February 6, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Thank you anonymous for the personal sharing, your honesty and level of responsibility is very much appreciated.

  • Reply Elaine Arthey February 16, 2017 at 7:10 pm

    This gives us an in depth understanding of abuse and how we can become complicit in an abusive relationship, whatever its nature. Thank you Anonymous.

  • Reply Greg Jordan February 22, 2017 at 8:37 am

    Thanks for sharing a very honest and personal story on sexual abuse with such an amazing amount of healing that you have done, due to you choosing to want to truly heal. This is true healing, through understanding the choices and momentums running part in it all and is testimony to the amazing works of Serge Benhayon and the Ancient Wisdom Teachings.

  • Reply kim weston March 1, 2017 at 5:57 am

    There was no mistake that what was presented was what you needed to hear. I have had many moments at Universal Medicine events where this has happened, nothing is nothing. Your life experience would be life changing for many to read. Serge Benhayon brings it all back to our own choices and the part we play in all situations. Incredible healing can happen when responsibility is taken and lived.

  • Reply Matts Josefsson March 9, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    Such a powerful and honest sharing. It breaks so many beliefs and concepts we have around abuse and for me it is a game changer in order for true healing to occur. One of the most powerful lines I read was “…there is a big difference between blame and responsibility.” We are so scared to even think or consider that there is more going on than just one person abusing the other. We are very scared to think that the one being abused also has a role to play in this. This does not make the abuser one iota less responsible, contrary we will have a bigger picture of what is happening and it’s actually how we can help people that have suffered from abuse to heal. Like you say no therapist could help you heal what was buried in your body but with a greater knowledge of why it happened you could move on instead of coping with all that you felt for the rest of your life.

  • Reply Stephen Gammack March 25, 2017 at 8:18 am

    This is an incredible account of abuse, completely far removed from any victimhood. It could be hard for someone who had not experienced abuse to write from this angle, as there is a strong pull to see abuse victims as having no part. In fact very controversial to suggest such a thing. Yet in the concept of karma, and energetic laws of cause and effect as taught in the Ageless Wisdom, this story makes perfect sense. If we are to get to the heart of the matter, why people are drawn to abuse we do need to go deeper in reading why it is attractive to do so and how this can be healed.

  • Reply Anonymous April 2, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    This is a very powerful blog, thank you deeply for sharing with complete openness and a very personal story which will bring insight and understanding to many and also a way of healing, a very deep healing, where we become responsible for our healing and not be a victim to the abuse, if we remain the victim of the abuse how can we then bring true healing. I am not saying abuse is ok. Abuse is not acceptable as it harms another to the depth of their being. It is not only the physical abuse that harms, but the energetic imprint which is left in the body of another who has been harmed. But what i am saying that we can heal from the abuse, if we take responsibility for our healing. As you have shared Anonymous and as this anonymous also has deeply healed from long term sexual abuse by taking responsibility to all that is looked at in the healing process. Now the sexual abuse is an old memory with no influence over me, no hold over me. I now live the lived wisdom of a very empowered woman where abuse has no place in my life.

  • Reply Rowena Stewart April 5, 2017 at 2:31 pm

    What strikes me most with this account is how much we become acclimatised to abuse to the extent of seeing it as the norm. Often it will be our bodies that finally pull us up, as they struggle to cope with the effects. Serge Benhayon’s teachings of the Ageless Wisdom renews our moral compasses and opens up a way for us to navigate our way out of abuse and to restore our strong inner knowing of love, respect and responsibility both within ourselves and every single relationship in our lives.

  • Reply Elizabeth Dolan April 16, 2017 at 6:18 am

    Thank you for this very profound blog on abuse. I was really struck by the advice given to you by Serge Benhayon –“Live and work simply until you get to know you and don’t put yourself or your body into any relationship that you are not absolute about.” It is so practical yet it contains within it everything that was needed for healing to occur. The more we honour our bodies the less likely we are to abuse it or allow another to abuse it.

  • Reply Helen Elliott April 26, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    Thank you, the openness with which you write is remarkable and gives the reader a true insight into the complicated relationship between the abuser and the abused and how it is far too simplistic (and convenient for many) to paint the latter as purely a ‘victim’. Your willingness to take responsibility for your part is inspirational and the healing that you have experienced demonstrates clearly that it is possible to move on from abuse and have the meaningful relationships that we are all looking for in life.

  • Reply julie Matson April 27, 2017 at 4:41 am

    What an honest and open account of child abuse, which totally turns things on its head with regards to the current perception we have of the abused and the abuser. When you think about the amount of children who are not met by their parents and then go on to crave attention from anyone, it’s easy to then see how the abuser can step in and fill that void. From reading this blog it is clear to see that there is much we do not know about child abuse, and that’s why more accounts like this are needed.

  • Reply Michael Brown April 27, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    This blog is one that may just be before its time. We as a society are still caught up in the blaming game with a total lack of responsibility for ones own actions and behaviours.

  • Reply Gabriele Conrad May 5, 2017 at 8:05 am

    This contribution on sexual abuse dares to go where not many, and that includes counsellors and psychologists, dare to go – it lifts the yoke of victimhood, exposes guilt and complicity, shines a strong light on the physical and emotional turmoil and suffering, the devastation and last not least, the root cause of this particular entanglement. Thank you for bringing this to the world.

  • Reply Benkt van Haastrecht May 13, 2017 at 6:23 am

    such an incredible blog, which is taking many points that aren’t talked about to the fore, sharing that which will bring true healing to us all.

  • Reply Monica Gillooly May 15, 2017 at 5:53 am

    This is such an amazing sharing … I love the distinction here between blame and responsibility and how yes there is blame with an abuser, it really does nothing to support the abused truly, and it’s only when they look at how they are responsible for what is happening in their live and can see that there is so much more going on, that they can find a way forward to truly heal. There is so much more to life than we can see and when we bring that energetic understanding in, we get a fuller clearer picture of what is at play. To hear from someone who has truly healed their abuse is stunning and deeply inspiring, and shows that no matter where we’ve been we can heal and live deeply loving and fulfilling lives.

    • Reply Viktoria July 27, 2017 at 8:11 am

      Yes Monica, you’re 100% right – also, this blame does not help the abuser either.

  • Reply Samantha May 27, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    Incredible, thank you anonymous for being so honest and sharing your experience, your willingness to go there and truly understand what went on and the reason this happened to you is very inspiring.
    Your journey is testament to the true healing that can occur when we let go of blame. Awesome blog.

  • Reply Natallija May 28, 2017 at 11:00 pm

    What an incredible read from one beginning to end. Your journey anonymous is a powerful one that speaks volumes of how we can stop being victims to the abuse when we call out the part we play and how this too can be healed. Choosing to come to understand the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, is the marker of how far we can heal and the potential we then have, to write these blogs of confirmation and renewal.

  • Reply Vicky Cooke June 1, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    Where do I start? This is quite enormous what you have delivered here and with no blame or judgement, it gives an opportunity for many to heal just by reading what you have expressed. While reading this ‘He spoke about how if parents aren’t really meeting their child, and the child is not being confirmed in how beautiful he or she is, the child will crave that attention’ what I got was … how important is it for us to all meet and love not only ourselves but others as if we truly did this would it not reduce abuse? If we were truly met we would immediately feel the incredible harm any form of abuse brought to either ourselves or others and we would certainly not seek attention outside of ourselves. I feel there is much more to write here but for now this is all there is to express. Thank you.

    • Reply Simon Williams August 29, 2017 at 3:11 pm

      Yes it certainly ups the ante on what we are offering our kids in our parenting, but then as you say Vicky – it can equally be applied to any relationship you have with anyone. Are they allowing abuse because there is not real love in their lives, and do we offer them something that is whole, real, true which can act as a marker of what is a real relationship? If we aren’t then why not?

  • Reply Viktoria July 27, 2017 at 8:08 am

    It’s interesting, I have not experienced physical abuse like this however at the age of 15 I started a relationship with somebody who was quite a few years older than me. I didn’t want to do any of the sexual stuff, however I went along with it just so that I could keep his attention. I would write silly status’ just so that I could get his attention, I didn’t want to have sex with him, so I used to say that he can sleep around if he likes and we can still be together… to me this shows just how desperate I was for attention, how much I craved a man’s touch. Reflecting on it, it feels horrific and deeply saddening. Thanks to Serge and Universal Medicine, I love myself WAYYY more than that now and cannot see allowing this level of abuse into my life ever again.

  • Reply Stephanie Stevenson July 30, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Anonymous, this blog is delivered without blame or judgement, which is powerful and deeply healing in itself.
    The changes you have made area living testimony as to how our lives can turn around once we return to the innermost essence, equally present within us all.

  • Reply Golnaz Shariatzadeh August 6, 2017 at 8:29 pm

    I love how Serge Benhayon’s teachings and support empowers us to connect to our inner awareness about our own experiences and to deepen our understanding and relationship to the whole of life.

    I was struck by the powerful yet simple observation that “At the time I felt like I had him wrapped around my little finger yet at the same time I felt manipulated by him. The contract of abuse between us was more complicated than people like to understand.” This is huge. Thank you Anonymous for the deep honesty with which you have shared about the abuse you experienced in your early years as well as offering us your understanding and insights. What a gift for anyone who has similarly experienced abuse, to read the insights you have offered.

    This level of understanding of the dynamics of abuse ought to be a foundational requirement from all those engaged in supportive roles to people who have been in abusive situations.

  • Reply Viktoria August 11, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    Being honest with ourselves gives us a relief from all of the lies we could be living in, the tangled web of ifs and buts that seem to be taking hold of us so strongly sometimes.

  • Reply Leigh Matson August 22, 2017 at 3:42 pm

    Recently going back over a pathogens course this blog expands what causes illness and disease much wider than what is currently accepted. What we energetically and emotionally take on from others also has an affect on our health in massive ways.

  • Reply Alison Valentine August 25, 2017 at 4:10 pm

    A very insightful blog that helps us understand the complex nature of abuse.

  • Reply Michael Brown August 27, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    This blog has the power to support so many who have experienced such traumatising abuse, well done for sharing!

  • Reply Simon Williams August 29, 2017 at 3:09 pm

    The interaction of the abuser and the abused is both complex and yet simple in energetic terms. This blog is quite incredible in how it has allowed you to see what was at play for you, to express it, to bring it up and out of your body, and ultimately heal it. Incredible.

  • Reply Leonne August 29, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Thank you Anonymous, I am in awe of your eloquence and willingness to share your story for the benefit of all. A revolutionary sharing.

  • Reply Elodie Darwish August 30, 2017 at 5:35 am

    Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience so honestly. It’s amazing that you’ve been able to heal from those early years of abuse. It’s incredibly inspiring to read about your commitment to your own responsibility and that you’ve chosen not to hold on to blame, which would no doubt have seen you have a very different life now.

  • Reply Lucy Duffy September 2, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    How powerful is the realisation that karma is not a ‘getting of what you deserve’ but a rebalancing and an opportunity to take responsibility for past choices, let them go, heal and move on. Incredible story and deeply inspiring. Thank you Anonymous.

  • Reply fiona lotherington September 15, 2017 at 3:31 am

    Thank you for sharing your insight into abuse. I could relate to your comment about blame and how no healing or change occurred until you stopped blaming and started to take responsibility for your part in it. I feel this is key for all of, as blame is a way to avoid seeing what we need to see in order to grow.

  • Reply Ingrid Ward September 16, 2017 at 6:52 am

    These wise words that Serge Benhayon shared with you are words for all of us. “Live and work simply until you get to know you and don’t put yourself or your body into any relationship that you are not absolute about.” To have had someone share this wisdom with me at a young age would certainly have been the light I was looking for to heal the abusive life that I was living. But I have discovered that it is never too late to make self-loving choices in our lives and from those choices the change that unfold is, in my experience and in yours, nothing short of amazing.

  • Reply Monica Gillooly September 18, 2017 at 7:10 am

    What an amazing turnaround and healing. The deep understanding you share of you and all that happened and your dedication to healing is inspiring – no matter where we’ve been we can come back and the loving support you received from Serge Benhayon shines through. What a gift you both are.

  • Reply Golnaz Shariatzadeh September 18, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story with such openness and care so that it can inspire deeper awareness and understanding in others.
    Staggering that such a high proportion of humanity has suffered abuse. The figures seem to be rising on a daily basis.
    And the deep level of healing, settlement and empowerment offered by Serge Benhayon is exceptional and has helped so many people turn their lives round.
    It is clear that there is much in the teachings of Universal Medicine that is missing from the current medical and support systems, and that it would be enormously supportive to humanity if what is offered is studied and applied.

  • Reply Lieke Campbell September 19, 2017 at 12:15 am

    “Later those feelings of ‘wanting it’ or craving the attention, led to feelings of guilt.” I have never read such real and in-detail blog about a topic like this. It really explains why people would ‘seek’ abuse and then later feel guilty about seeking the abuse because you hear that a lot.

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